#Why you’re reflecting on past mistakes more than ever before

I, like many during this time, had moved home and was staying at my parents’ house in the village I’d grown up in — a place that elicited mixed feelings within. All around me were reminders of a former world that had made me feel rejected and unloveable as a teenager. Memories that I’d pushed to the furthest reaches of my mind were resurfacing. But not just memories of past hurts — times I’d hurt people that I’d once held dear. 

Spending day after day in my childhood home, I raked over old ground, tending to memories I’d buried long ago. When these had first been forged a decade earlier, I remember feeling vindicated, convinced that others were to blame. But now, amid long months of lockdown, I had a clarity of vision looking back and found myself wanting. Regrets entered my sleep night after night. I dreamed of old friends as if they’d never exited my life. I was haunted by a past I couldn’t forget — a past for which I couldn’t forgive myself.

I later learned that I was not alone in combing over past mistakes during lockdown or just while dealing with the ongoing pandemic, wherever in the world you’ve been doing so. When I tweeted that I’d been doing this, scores of people replied telling me that they’d been haunted by old friendship breakups, arguments they’d had years ago, and big regrets. One commenter referred to these thoughts and dreams as “pandemic demons” and that phrase truly encapsulates this phenomenon. Dreams were also a big part of people’s experiences — many people who replied to me told me they’d had eerie dreams about the past. Coincidence? I don’t think so. 

After hearing from so many others in the same situation, I wondered why, during a global pandemic, my brain decided to resurrect the past. Dr. Rebecca Semmens-Wheeler, a senior lecturer in psychology at Birmingham City University, told me that because the pandemic has brought many changes and challenges into our lives, including social distancing rules, business closures, and lockdowns, we have a lot more time on our hands. “With this time, we may become more reflective of our lives. We often lack the time and space to do this when we are rushing around in our usual busy lives,” says Semmens-Wheeler. 

“With this time, we may become more reflective of our lives.”

Semmens-Wheeler described this as similar to sitting down to meditate and experiencing a flood of all the thoughts you haven’t had time to process just yet. “Given time, these thoughts do settle down, but I think there is an opportunity for us here, to realise that we really ought to be making time to reflect on what is of value to us, and what our values are.”

People are — quite understandably! — feeling anxious in the face of a global pandemic. 84.9 percent of adults in Britain reported feeling stressed or anxious as a result of the pandemic, according to the Office for National Statistics. For some, that anxiety is manifesting itself in our relationships. With regard to dating, Hinge reported that one in four of its users feel even more anxious now because of the pandemic. But it’s not just dating — it’s affecting our friendships, too. As Katie Heaney wrote for The Cut: “Friendship paranoia happens in even the best circumstances. Now, under the worst circumstances, this anxiety has gained new — almost desperate — urgency.” So, if you’ve lately been convinced that all your friends are mad at you, you’re not alone.

If this period of rumination has led you to the realisation that you have some regrets about past behaviour, do not despair. Craig Jackson, professor of occupational health psychology at Birmingham City University, says it’s actually a really positive thing. “We all have regrets by the time we reach adulthood. Anyone who says they have no regrets has either never lived or is a liar,” says Jackson. “In fact, psychologists tend to agree that having some regrets about things we have done in life (or indeed things we have not done) is actually a healthy sign that we are developing.”

After months of reflection during lockdown, I debated reaching out to a former friend I’d hurt in the past. She had once been a very close friend, but our friendship went through a rough patch and I had behaved in a way I’m not proud of. I knew from experience that sometimes people prefer not to hear from people who’ve caused them pain in the past. For a long time, I told myself not to act on these feelings, but I felt I truly owed this person a long-overdue apology. I knew it wouldn’t make much of a difference now — the friendship is beyond resuscitation — but a large part of me wanted them to know that they didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and that I had valued their friendship.

I composed a long message and, after many deep breaths, hit send. My former friend read it almost immediately and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I didn’t expect a reply. But to my surprise, I got one. My former friend sent me a thoughtful and compassionate response, thanking me for my message. She said she appreciated what I’d written, and thought it was brave to reach out. She acknowledged that she had been hurt by my actions but that we were young, and that time heals. She told me about her life now, her family and work. She asked me what I was doing. In short, it was a healing exchange. I could forgive myself now, because I had been forgiven by someone else.

This “retrospective remorse” that many of us are currently exhibiting is only natural given the circumstances we find ourselves in, according to Jackson. “When faced with a restricted existence (albeit a temporary one) it is only natural to ruminate about the things we should have done when we could have done them,” he says. “Things are miserable right now — but could things have been different if I had only…”

This “retrospective remorse”…is only natural given the circumstances we find ourselves in.

If you feel that these bad memories and feelings of guilt about the past are becoming very intrusive, and cannot be resolved by yourself or through communication, it might also be a sign of a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This type of OCD is referred to as real-event OCD, which “presents with pervasive feelings of guilt and shame about something which you did in the past.” Consult with your GP or psychiatrist if you feel you are exhibiting symptoms of OCD. 

Crucially, though, this is not a time for being too hard on ourselves. “Many people feel more lonely right now than they can ever recall — missing friends and family and even colleagues, especially those who are among the workforce who are still unable to go back to work, and who may be working from home,” says Jackson. “It’s been an exceptional time, and the normal rules of working, living and existing have been severely disrupted — this is a major shock to us, and we must not be too hard on ourselves for struggling to cope right now.”

This is a weird time and none of us know quite how long it’s going to last. Treat yourself with compassion. Remember the saying “hurt people hurt people” — you might have behaved in a hurtful way because you were hurting. If you can, give yourself permission to forgive yourself.