#Moronic softcore porn on Amazon

It’s about time Amazon got into the softcore porn biz. The digital giant already lets us order a toilet plunger while watching prestige TV. Why not toss in some smut, too?

That’s really all the streamer’s new movie “The Voyeurs” is — gussied-up smut. 

Writer-director Michael Mohan’s “drama” tries to be a modern “Rear Window” (emphasis on “rear”), but Hitchcock it ain’t. “The Voyeurs” is a cheap, never-ending trifle that takes itself more seriously than “Hamlet.”

We meet Pippa (Sydney Sweeney, of HBO’s sexy “The White Lotus”) and Thomas (Justice Smith), a bland millennial couple (redundant, perhaps) who’ve just moved into a spectacular Montreal apartment they could absolutely never afford in real life.

Then, instead of being well-behaved Canadians who eat poutine and say “sorry” a lot, they decide to spy on the couple across the street having sex.

At first they’re titillated by the whoopie, but the peek soon turns into a dangerous infatuation. The doe-eyed duo start using binoculars to get a close-up view and they rig a high-tech listening device to hear what their hot, nympho neighbors are saying behind closed doors. Becoming pervs, surprise surprise, spices up Pip and Tom’s sex life.

They eventually meet sexy Seb (Ben Hardy) and Julia (Natasha Liu Bordizzo) when they crash their Halloween party/orgy. The masked scene is like “Eyes Wide Shut,” but Stanley Kubrick would’ve sooner directed an episode of “Blue’s Clues” than this dreck. After that, there is more sex, sex, sex and a dollop of betrayal. 

The ending, and the eleventh-hour twists we take to arrive there (death, even more sex), are preposterous and mind-numbingly stupid.

It’s a mystery how Mohan snapped up Smith, the rising star of “Detective Pikachu” and HBO’s “Genera+ion,” to appear in a Cinemax castoff. Charming and versatile, he is much better than the hack job he’s trapped in. The other, lesser-known actors might be talented, too. It’s hard to tell when their script is scrawled in crayon.

All that said, if you’re in the market for gratuitous nudity, Amazon Prime has got you covered.