Had it been a scripted parody of the excesses within Major League Baseball, it couldn’t have been funnier. 

As seen, if not believed, Thursday night on SNY, the opening game rosters of the Mets and Nationals were introduced, and players and coaches lined up along the first-base and third-base lines until forced down both outfield lines. 

Not only was this perhaps the longest Opening Day intros in the Clocked Opening Day Intros Era, it included the largest cast — and in two acts, one per team. 

It began with Nats public address announcer Jerome Hruska reading from lists that began with the Mets’ equipment manager, then took a turn with the intro of the Mets’ “performance dietician,” “massage therapist,” “sports science coordinator,” “assistant performance coach,” “head performance coach,” “reconditioning therapist” and “coordinator of rehabilitation and reconditioning.” 

They were followed by the Mets’ “assistant athletic trainer,” “head athletic trainer” and “director of player health” until it reached those in baseball uniforms, starting with two bullpen coaches. 

One wondered if all the recent Mets injuries necessitated such a staff, or whether each charged by the diagnosis: “Strained quad: $600.” “Elbow inflammation: $750.” “Food poisoning: $500.” “Flu-like symptoms: $250.” “Flu: $299.99.” 

Next, the Nats: “director of field operations,” two “clubhouse managers,” “equipment manager,” “visiting clubhouse manager,” “umpires room attendant,” two “clubhouse attendants,” “clubhouse assistant” and “clubhouse and travel assistant.” 

Then more: “Quality assurance coordinator,” “manager of advanced scouting,” “coordinator of video and technology,” “major league video assistant,” “manager of major league strategy” (here I thought that was the manager!) and “executive director of medical services.” 

Still more: “director of athletic training,” both “athletic trainers,” “strength and conditioning coach,” “assistant major league strength coach,” “corrective exercise specialist” and a partridge in a pear tree, until those in baseball uniforms were introduced, starting with the “batting practice pitcher.” 

Unfortunates introduced first stood shivering on a cold, wet night, inviting flu-like symptoms. 

Over 22 minutes, 118 were introduced, about as many left in the stands when the game ended, 3:36 after it began. And all after a 1:16 rain delay! 

Pure satire. But at least, unlike the Mets-Nats on Friday, it appeared on local TV and not just a streaming service.

Huggins induction shows hoops Hall has no scruples 

The Basketball Hall of Fame continues to enshrine college coaches who, with winks and nods from their schools’ presidents, sold their souls to win games, and to land sneaker deals and cash bonuses. This Hall is lousy with coaches caught cheating, but that has become a given. 

Among the recently announced inductees is Bob Huggins, now coaching his alma mater, West Virginia. 

Huggins’ success, if you wish to call it that, was predicated on his 16 years as the head coach of Cincinnati, a program that became a bad joke for recruiting players with no business being in any college. His teams’ rotten graduation rates — roughly 28 percent — would have been closer to zero had walk-ons not been counted. 

Despite his gaudy W-L record, Huggins was forced out in 2005 when Cincy could no longer indulge his teams’ academic negligence, not to mention recruits being arrested and his own DUI arrest. 

No problem. Kansas State quickly hired him. He left for WVU in 2007. Hall of Fame. And on it goes. 

Gambling problem? Excellent! 

The Mets, last week having named Caesars Sportsbook their “Official Sports Betting Partner,” will devote 13,000 square feet of Citi Field’s space “for fans to enjoy the Caesars Sportsbook app” within the “Excelsior Level at Citi Field, with a multi-tiered dining room and outdoor patio seating complete with panoramic views overlooking left field.” 

So you can even watch the game when you’re at the game to bet the game! 

And if “fans” respond to Caesars’ and the Mets’ business plan by losing their money, as per the plan, the Mets may help some find jobs busing tables within that Excelsior Level dining room. 

Tiger Woods’ rejection of Nike golf shoes during the Masters due to post-car wreck, er “accident,” foot concerns, became the biggest shoe story since Zion Williamson, during his one-and-done at Duke, blew his China-made Nikes, prompting the call to “Just Glue It!” 

In the late 1970s, the Cosmos had a deal to wear Pony soccer shoes. Giorgio Chinaglia, who died of a heart attack at 65 in 2012, couldn’t stand Ponys. Or run in them. So he took his favored shoes to the trainer, who taped the Pony logo — an orange chevron — on the sides. 

On rainy days, you could see the orange tape coming unglued, flapping free. 

Had Tiger Woods not finished his first round of the Masters with world No. 1 Scottie Scheffler still on the course, 3-under, we might have never gotten to see Scheffler! 

Amazin’! Cano PED ban gets mentioned

The difference between Yankees and Mets broadcasts is often the plain truth. 

Thursday from D.C., Gary Cohen detailed Robinson Cano’s PED suspensions, then asked how Cano could have been so bold (read: stupid) that he’d do it — or be caught — a second time. He added that Cano didn’t want to answer that question. 

Though we could imagine Howie Rose speaking similarly on Mets radio, could you imagine Michael Kay or John Sterling saying such about a current Yankee? Not when they can pretend their audience is too dim to know better. 

By the way, in his first at bat under Buck Showalter, Cano grounded out, but ran hard to first. Was that for Showalter or was Cano just well rested? 

Leave it to MLB to continue to fix what ain’t broken. Arm and hand signals of “safe” or “out,” “fair” or “foul” will no longer suffice after replay reviews. Now umps must wear field microphones to be heard declaring their video-inspected call. 

What happens if the mics go dead? Further delay the game or revert to those signals that, for over 100 years, left fans utterly confused? Morons. 

Before striking out in the 10th on Friday, Giancarlo Stanton swung and missed at the first pitch — thrown in the dirt. It was absurd. Yet not a word from Kay or David Cone. 

That clever “Free baseball!” line of Kay’s, heard again Friday on YES when the game went to the 10th inning, never gets old, does it? 

They’ll never learn: Through the first two rounds of CBS/ESPN’s Tiger Walks to His Next Shot Masters live coverage, so many others’ best shots — especially long, holed putts — were so obviously shown “plausibly live” on tape that it wasn’t worth being deceitful. 

Last week, Brian Cashman called the Astros’ sign-stealing “illegal and horrific.” Reader Alan Hirschberg: “At first I thought Cashman was talking about Alex Rodriguez.” 

Even at 65, Buck Showalter still looks like Elroy Jetson. 

Great news, kids: N.J. has legalized online gambling on video games, such as “Call of Duty” and “League of Legends.” Seriously. Leave the house? What for, sunlight? Fresh air? (For help in overcoming related gambling addictions, contact the Super Mario Brothers’ Rehabilitation Center nearest you.)