Next up, New York gets topless muggers. This way you can’t remember the faces.

People bitch our town, capital of the planet, has as much crime in the streets as on TV. Please: Just because the police station in one district has an alarm system in the front door? . . . Or our mayor’s bank keeps its money in another bank? . . . So what if our leftists chant: “Make Bail Not License Plates.”

Out-of-towners mention our crime rate. New York has 8 million people — over a million were never even robbed once. Anyway, if you call the cops there’s a three-year waiting list . . . Question: Which is easier? Buying a gun or a politician?

Our city’s the busiest. Something’s always happening. So what if it mostly stays unsolved . . . In NYC you can get away with murder — as long as you don’t park next to a fireplug . . . One councilman’s idea of handling traffic congestion? Encourage car theft.

And do not knock our subway. It’s landmarked. Begun 1900 the first train just got to Grand Central . . . And Keys to the City when you know how to pick the lock? . . . Smart residents keep to themselves. If not for a few thefts there’d be no personal contact at all.

This town’s muggers are so up to date they even take credit cards . . . Lacking cash one victim asked: “Can I write you a check?” Thief: “Yeah, but I need to see two forms of ID” . . . Local Brooklyn signs: “Keep New York clean. Trash New Jersey.”

Also, drive carefully. The life you save may be the one to remove his car from the parking spot you need . . . NYC robber: One who steals your money without getting elected.

One lady, frisked quickly, said: “Just keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll write you a check” . . . Busy crooks now just hand you a note, grab your wallet and tell you to perform two self-inflicted wounds . . . Hey, do not knock a robber. He’s the only dude who still makes house calls.

For survival: Move to a quiet neighborhood where you can hear people whisper for help . . . Don’t walk to the bus: Run! . . . Ignore neighborhoods where the corner candy store has a bouncer . . . Put aside a certain amount for holdups . . . Don’t get cranky if a stranger takes pictures — only if he takes cameras . . . Buy a bumper sticker that reads: “Have you hugged your bail bondsman today?” If given a mink coat don’t ask what’s it worth because one guy answered: “Maybe 5 to 10.”

Bare with it

In terms of misfits and malcreants, how about the Oscars? And flashing breasts in garish uncovered parts? And wondering why today’s teenagers have problems?

Just a small-town girl

If you haven’t had enough, comes now new horror film “You Won’t Be Alone.” Noomi Rapace is in it.

Noomi: “It’s about life as humans. An outsider, wanting to belong, enters a different world never seen before. Not wanting to leave. Set in medieval Macedonia, it could be today. We are so obsessed with civilization, technology, moving fast and here you slow down, tune in with animals and nature. Playful even in violent and brutal moments.”

Yeah. OK. Right. A remote village in Serbia. A witch living inside a girl whose skin crawls literally. Ours too, maybe. Focus Features. Debuted at Sundance. To Noomi, born in Hudiksvall, Gävleborg Iän, Sweden, violent brutal ­moments always sound so playful.

It’s IRS time. The cashier told a worker: “After deducting withholding tax, state income tax, city tax, business tax, Social Security, retirement fund, unemployment insurance, hospitalization, dental insurance, group life insurance, chip in to repair the roof and your donation to the company’s welfare fund, you owe us $14.25.”

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.