Creative Christmas tidings

It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas. Take the jokes:

Gifts: The Kardashian bra. “Just water it, wear it, watch it grow.”

The Me-Me-Meghan talking doll. Wind it up and it pees on you.

And the new Ken doll whispers to Barbie, “You’re WHAT?!”

The Compulsive Shoppers Prayer: The Lord was my Taylor. He leadeth me from Saks and maketh me to lie down in Bergdorf’s. Anointeth my brow with Amazon and delivereth me by UPS. Yea, though I walk through the Gap, in the valley of Walmart. I. Magnin will fear no markdowns. For thine is the Internet, Home Shopping and resale shops forever.

The Wisdom: Were there Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men, they’d have arrived on time because they’d have asked directions. They would’ve helped deliver the baby, tidied up the stable, made a tuna casserole and every toilet seat in Bethlehem would have been down.

The Seers: Crystal ball types say 10% of Americans believe Elvis is still alive — 43% believe Joe Biden is still alive.

The wish: Nancy Pelosi told Santa she wants a year’s supply of Depends.

The future: If Kamala runs again Americans will storm the Mexican border.

The kindness: Twitter’s new CEO sent staffers holiday cards all addressed to “Occupant.”

The poem: On the 12th day of Christmas the US gave to me: 12 states still voting, 11 counties still counting, 10 Democrats fibbing, nine lawyers filing, eight deadlines passing, seven votes outstanding, six judges finagling, five assistants quitting, four CIA guys spinning, three recounts, two candidates and an empty presidency.

Among the presents are ugly presences

Christmas: Trees from Canada, tinsel from China, lights from Malaysia, neckties from Italy, sweaters from England, fragrance from France, shoes from the Philippines, T-shirts from India. Great old-fashioned US holiday. But, be aware, grinches still exist. An employee once wrote Leona Helmsley: “The salary you owe me I give as a Christmas present.”

The good news. Smart Kelly Ripa does the Christmas Mass on Zoom.

And that’s probably not done only in New York, kids, only in New York.