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#Wow, the Democratic Convention was a bizarre night of television

#Wow, the Democratic Convention was a bizarre night of television

It’s the most bizarre TV since “Tiger King.”

The Democratic National Convention kicked off Monday night with all the glamour and excitement of a Zoom conference. The Home Shopping Network produces more dynamic programming and is far better at pushing product.

Inexplicably, former “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria Bastón served as host. Wearing a white sleeveless sheath dress and a permanent expression of teary concern, Longoria Bastón repeatedly invoked the convention’s theme, “We the People.”

She should have demanded a script doctor.

“YOU are the ‘we’ in ‘we the people,’” she said.

Also: “’We the people’ means all the people, even those with whom we might not agree.”

Fourth-grade social studies class is more sophisticated and less insulting.

Early on, a regretful American identified only as Eric (avoid that pitchfork mob, Eric!) spoke to us from what looked like a safe room, clutching what looked like a cocktail, as he apologized for voting for Trump. Eric informed us that unlike Trump, Biden has a platform, which includes “unity.”

It was the night’s only moment of comedy.

They say politics is Hollywood for homely people. How better to hammer this home than this virtual convention, seeing our elected officials sitting in drab settings: the kitchen Senator Catherine Cortez Mastro gave her address from is something even the poorest “House Hunters” couple wouldn’t countenance (those white appliances!). Or Kirsten Gillibrand’s sad, spartan office-slash-sunroom — where’s the pageantry? The optics? Just what are these pols spending their lobbyist money on?

The virus has been quickly killing off those things that were slowly dying anyway — movie theaters, retail shopping, for-profit college.

Add political conventions, and possibly Joe Biden’s presidential hopes, to that list.

Not even Andrew Cuomo — who became must-see TV for New Yorkers at the height of the pandemic, entertaining us with a possible nipple ring, musings on his daughter’s boyfriend, the foam COVID mountain that wouldn’t qualify for a science fair — could save the night. Nor could the dragging out, yet again, of Bruce Springsteen and his 9/11 anthem “The Rising.”

Nothing, not even The Boss, could pierce the dead air here.

Whatever brain trust produced this non-event saved the most charismatic, admired person in the party, Michelle Obama, for last. The Dems should have dropped Michelle O’s pre-taped speech online and called it a day. Who but the most supreme masochist would have stuck out these grim, pedagogical two hours just to see someone they can view painlessly the next day?

“I know a lot of folks are reluctant to tune into a political convention right now,” Obama said. “Believe me, I get that.”

Oh, Michelle. You have no idea.

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