#Brutally Honest Ballot: “You Couldn’t Pay Me to Watch ‘House of the Dragon’”

Drama Series

I ruled out half the nominees immediately, but this is still the strongest single category in the history of the Emmys and I agonized over the other four. I had zero interest in The Crown — I watched the first season because my wife asked me to, then I was done. You couldn’t pay me to watch House of the Dragon — I was a Game of Thrones person, but I watched 10 minutes of this and read the reviews and it just seemed like a money grab. I devoured the first season of Yellowjackets, but it jumped the shark in season two. I love Bob Odenkirk and Jonathan Banks, but there have been better seasons of Better Call Saul. I loved The White Lotus — not as much as its first season, but still, Mike White is the best argument for why writers should be allowed to have a writers room of one. Andor did not feel like a Star Wars money grab. It felt like Tony Gilroy walked in and said, “I’m going to go in a whole other direction. Let me tell a story about how a rebellion starts, about what turns a normal person into Martin Luther King.” There’s not a bad decision in the whole fucking show. The Last of Us? Right after Chernobyl, I had lunch with Craig [Mazin] and asked what he was doing next. He goes, “HBO gave me this video game.” I went, “You’re going from Chernobyl to a video game?!” He goes, “Yeah. Even worse, it’s about zombies.” I was like, “What are you doing?!” He goes, “It’s going to surprise you.” And man, did it ever. It’s an absolute work of art. In almost any other year, I’d vote for it. But the obvious choice is Succession. This season was its best — the best written, best directed, best acted. They killed the patriarch in episode three?! The scene on the balcony with Tom and Shiv?! This is an all-time top three show.

MY VOTE Succession (HBO)

Comedy Series

I’ve voted before for Ted Lasso, but this was its weakest season. They had no idea what they were going to do to get out of it; they just decided, “We’re done.” I’ve asked five people what happened at the end, and everyone has a different opinion. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel jumped the shark several seasons back, so I gave up on it then. Only Murders in the Building does the same shtick every episode. I love Steve Martin and Martin Short, and Meryl Streep was a nice addition, but Selena Gomez is totally miscast — she wouldn’t be hanging out with these two guys for three minutes, let alone three years. Abbott Elementary is lovely, but because of the limitations of network TV, it just can’t go to the places the other shows go. I really loved Wednesday, although I’m not quite sure how it’s in this category — it’s really not funny. In fairness, the same was definitely true for this season of Barry, which was brilliant. A comedy series can have serious moments — like when Edith Bunker got breast cancer — but it has to have at least some laughs or else it should be categorized as a drama. If I was just going to vote for what’s the funniest, it’s not even close, it’s Jury Duty — I wet myself. The concept is so genius. James Marsden is so good. And the guy’s reaction at the end is priceless. But other than Succession, The Bear is the best show on television. God almighty, it was so good. It’s fresh. The casting’s perfect. You care about the people. It feels so real. And the backstory is amazing: The writer had no experience and just wrote a pilot and the network said, “We’ll take a chance.” Good for fucking FX.

MY VOTE The Bear (FX)

Limited or Anthology Series

As amazing as the drama category is, that’s how weak this category is. I wish there was a way to vote for “none of the above,” because abstaining is just throwing away a vote, and what I really want to say is, “These sucked.” I hated Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story — it was just so dark and sensationalistic. I watched two episodes of Beef — I get enough road rage just living in L.A., so I don’t need that in my life. Fleishman Is in Trouble was a total snooze-fest. I couldn’t stand Obi-Wan Kenobi — I’m so done with Star Wars shit, and Obi-Wan Kenobi was just more of the same. So I was stuck with Daisy Jones & The Six, the only one on this whole list that even deserved to be nominated. Having watched a lot of shows where they had to create original music, I thought they pulled it off better than most — it sounded a lot like Fleetwood Mac.

MY VOTE Daisy Jones & The Six (Prime Video)

Television Movie

This has become a category of, “Oh, we took a movie to Sundance, it didn’t sell, so let’s put it on our network and try to get an Emmy nomination.” Prey was meant to be a feature — they spent tens of millions of dollars on it — so why should that be allowed to compete against something like Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, which is original and great but made on a budget and on the fucking Roku Channel? Fire Island? Hocus Pocus 2? Are you kidding me? They were terrible. Dolly Parton [Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas] again? Are you serious? People just see her name on the ballot and vote for it. Nobody is watching that movie. Give her a Nobel Prize but don’t keep nominating her TV movies, OK? Cruel Instruction, Jerry & Marge Go Large and Boston Strangler deserved nominations. Anyway, I voted for Weird. I love that it was a parody of the TV movie genre and a parody of himself. The whole thing was so meta that it was genius.

MY VOTE Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (The Roku Channel)

Talk Series

I’m glad that they kicked John Oliver [Last Week Tonight With John Oliver] out of this category because it finally allows me to vote for someone else. He does one show a week, and the others — with the exception of Jon Stewart — are on every night, so it was never a fair fight. I’m a huge fan of Jon Stewart, but oddly enough, there’s not enough Jon Stewart on his show [The Problem With Jon Stewart, since terminated]; there are those great moments where he interviews people who are full of shit and he destroys them, and if he had those in every episode I would’ve voted for him, but he doesn’t. Seth Meyers’ show [Late Night With Seth Meyers] is hit-and-miss, definitely not as brilliant as the guys that he’s up against. Trevor Noah [The Daily Show With Trevor Noah] had a great last season. I’m a huge fan of Jimmy Kimmel [Jimmy Kimmel Live!], and I love that he’s willing to be political. But I had to go with Stephen Colbert [The Late Show With Stephen Colbert] because he’s really smart, his show is so well-written, he’s a phenomenal interviewer, and he will pivot on a dime and throw out a whole show if news breaks right before he goes on. He can be hilarious, and he can also have highly intellectual, profound conversations that his competitors just aren’t capable of. He had a really interesting episode this year with Neil deGrasse Tyson about how he can find a way to be both a scientist and spiritual.

MY VOTE The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (CBS)

Scripted Variety Series

Saturday Night Live has become so host-driven, so when they get an amazing host like Pedro Pascal, it’s fantastic, but when they get a Brendan Gleeson or Ana de Armas, it’s a train wreck. A Black Lady Sketch Show is really good — I’ve voted for it before — but it was hit-and-miss this year. This was a no-brainer for me: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver is just consistently one of the smartest shows on TV. He went after DeSantis, which was great. He did a show on bail reform. He really does fight for the voiceless. And his ability to go after his corporate parents without repercussions is astonishing to me — he just doesn’t care.

MY VOTE Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (HBO)

Variety Special (Live)

The Super Bowl halftime show was special only because Rihanna went out there pregnant doing that shit. I happened to be at the Elton John show, and then I watched it on Disney+ [as Elton John Live: Farewell From Dodger Stadium], and it was better live. The Oscars were boring. The Tonys were good. But I voted for Chris Rock because his special was mesmerizing from start to finish. Worth the wait.

MY VOTE Chris Rock: Selective Outrage (Netflix)

Variety Special (pre-recorded)

I did not see Lizzo: Live in Concert. I loved the Norman Lear special [100 Years of Music & Laughter], but I didn’t learn anything — it was basically just a clips show. Wanda Sykes [I’m an Entertainer]? I didn’t think the production was great, but she slays me. Trevor Noah [I Wish You Would] was great. The Mulaney special [John Mulaney: Baby J] was just amazing — that he was that open about his rehab and everything. But I have to vote for Carol Burnett, the special and the person, because what made the special great was that it had her.

MY VOTE Carol Burnett: 90 Years of Laughter + Love (NBC)

This story first appeared in the Jan. 10 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. Click here to subscribe.