My stepmom has really made my dad happy and we’ve become close. However, my brother and I have been seeing her darker side where she is providing a significant amount to her six surviving children and widow of the seventh, while complaining about a 20-year-old truck that my dad gave my brother. My sister-in-law, who provided a significant amount to their finances, was diagnosed with a disease that left her unable to work. 

My brother, at the time, was barely able to keep up with their mortgage and medical bills. He’s since cut ties with our stepmom, and paid for the truck to reduce tension. My stepmom is a good person, but she’s selfish when it comes to her kids and has been unable to see any similarities between gifting the truck and paying legal fees, house payments, vacations, et cetera, for her own kids. I have zero doubt that she will do everything she can to ensure her kids inherit everything if my dad passes before she does. 

I sincerely hope that she and my dad live well into their 90s. And, if my dad passes before she does, I hope to continue our relationship. My brother and I have tried to get them to put together a trust or a will without success. The thought of my step siblings getting our childhood home and extension property on top of my grandparents’ inheritance makes me sick to think about. Four of them are living in poverty caused by addiction and poor life choices, while the other two, and the widow of the youngest, are decent people who I want to believe would be fair if anything happened. But I suspect they would become nasty and selfish. 

What rights do we have to prevent her from taking everything if he were to pass first? I know my father would provide for her kids if the situation were reversed. We are still hopeful they will put together a will/trust, but what rights do we have if it doesn’t happen? 

Stressed in Utah

Dear Stressed,

For selfish, read fearful. For nasty, read fearful. For unreasonable, read fearful. For a potential war over a $3 million estate, where there are multiple siblings and step-siblings involved, read fearful. Where money and family and inheritance are concerned, people almost always act out of fear. It does not excuse unpleasant behavior, but it can help us understand it and show compassion for those who are — in our estimation — acting out. 

Old rivalries, past resentments and feelings of insecurity all play into the battle for a family estate. Of course, $3 million is a lot of money, but it won’t stretch as far as one might think between nine potential heirs and one widowed spouse, especially if the surviving spouse decides to give a greater share to his or her children. And as you rightly point out, the outcome could depend on who goes first — your father or your stepmother, especially in the absence of a will.

The secondhand truck was a relatively small gift in the greater scheme of things. But you probably already realize that it wasn’t about the truck. The truck was a trigger, and a proxy for the battle royale that your stepmother may see on the horizon, and it was also an opportunity to pull rank, test her power over her two stepchildren and her husband. When people feel threatened and uncertain, they lash out. Your brother, unfortunately, took the brunt of that.

Your stepmother was, as you say, living on welfare when she met your father. I’m glad she survived and got back on her feet, even if she did so through her relationship with your father. Living through a prolonged period of financial insecurity and experiencing housing insecurity can leave a profound psychological scar. As you say, she makes him happy, and that is everything. That is all parents want for their children, and all children want for their parents.

Inheritance is typically treated as separate property, and would have been your father’s to leave to his two children. However, whatever inheritance your father poured into the house he owns with your stepmother was commingled. They own that property together, and all the equity therein. Under the laws of intestacy in Utah, if your father died intestate — without a will — your stepmother would inherit the first $75,000 of his intestate property, and 50% of the balance.

If your father and stepmother co-own the home they are living in as tenants in common with the right of survivorship, she would inherit that property. Similarly, other life-insurance policies may name her as a beneficiary, and they may also have joint ownership of certain bank accounts. It’s tough to have a conversation with a parent about inheritance, but the only way to have it is to be as honest and transparent as possible. Making a will now will save any unpleasantness later.

Few parents want to leave a battleground and years of ill-will behind. 

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