#Observing father time

Father’s Day. To honor the person who can’t get into the bathroom, on the phone or out of the house.

Father’s Day is a low-budget thrift sale version of Mother’s Day. Both are alike — except on Father’s Day you buy a cheaper gift.

The big problem’s in Hollywood. Not what to buy. Who to give it to.

Reports are that Meghan’s brother-in-law William, future king of England, has lain on the floor while his junior size heirs George, Charlotte and Louis are known to pile on top of him. Not certain it’s what Henry the VIIIth would’ve done but . . . THE fathers: Carol Alt’s was US Army Reserve Col. Tony Alt, and a NYC fire chief . . . Rachel Weisz’s father helped invent the artificial respirator . . . Jeremy Irons’ chartered accountant dad became director of Britain’s aircraft manufacturing company Hawker Siddeley . . . Harry Connick Sr.? A New Orleans parish district attorney . . . AN Armenian gambler pop left his Cherokee partner before Cher’s birth. They finally met when Cher was 11.

Hugh Grant’s dad? Carpet salesman . . . Ben Affleck’s reformed alcoholic pop Tim counseled Robert Downey Jr. and worked inside Harvard . . . Brooke Shields’ tennis star grandpa Frank was famous for juggling four tennis balls in his hand while serving opponents. The idea being to intimidate them . . . English, for Alanis Morissette, was neither a first language for her French-Canadian-Irish father nor her mom who fled Hungary as a child in 1956.

Joan Baezs’ dad? Nuclear physicist . . . Born in Massachusetts, Sean Penn’s actor director pop Leo, blacklisted during the McCarthy era, was then forced into working on television which not everyone considers punitive . . . Elizabeth McGovern’s dad? UCLA law professor.

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The sires to the stars

Nicole Kidman’s dad, Antony — biochemist, clinical psychologist, self-help author in Sydney — responsible for such books as “Managing Love and Hate,” insisted his daughters do 50 pushups before school each morning and walk rather than take the bus . . . Julianna Margulies’ dad? Ad exec who wrote Alka-Seltzer’s “plop plop fizz fizz” jingle . . . Eddie Murphy? Transit cop.

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Daddy duty

And Art Garfunkel’s papa? A Brooklyn traveling salesman . . . Back in Manila, Imelda Marcos speaks rapturously of her parent. “A lawyer and great concert pianist. A true Renaissance man.” . . . Barry Manilow’s dad Harold? Brewery truck driver . . . William Hurt’s stepfather? Henry Luce . . . Carly Simon’s? Simon & Schuster co-founder . . . Uma Thurman’s dad Robert? First American to become a Buddhist monk . . . Robert Redford? Edinburgh milkman . . . Carolina Herrera? Caracas governor.

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His story live

If you can’t think what to get for daddy dearest, hark: The first two days on sale the Trump-O’Reilly History Tour grossed $4 million — give or take a buck — in just three venues. Dec. 11, BB&T Arena, Sunrise, Fla.; Dec. 18, Toyota Center, Houston; Dec. 19, American Airlines Arena, Dallas. And the Amway Center in Orlando, Fla., goes on sale Monday. Show is Dec. 12.

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And for her future Sweet Sixteen party, Meghan and Harry’s baby daughter Lilibet — named for Her Majesty the Queen — may ask, “How do you wrap up a kick in the behind to your parents?”

Only on Father’s Day, kids, only on Father’s Day.