#New York City — the new liberal utopia

#New York City — the new liberal utopia

Some people are complaining about the state of New York City these days. Don’t listen. Those reactionaries are just salty because they’re no longer in charge. Our progressive leadership has crafted an exemplar for the nation.

Yes, we have our challenges. COVID-19 hit us hard, but every cloud has a silver lining. Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s decision to force the infected to shelter among our most vulnerable elderly took care of their entrenched, pre-2020 mentalities (have you seen how plus-65s vote?).

Let’s move on to happier subjects. Join me, if you would, please, on a guided tour of our liberal utopia.

Landfills were unsustainable, so lately we’ve made composting a reality on most sidewalks. Piles of garbage as tall as Mayor Bill de Blasio are a fixture in every community. That tangy stench in the air isn’t the smell of urban ­decay — it’s the perfume of progress.

Without the lure of nightlife, and with murder rates skyrocketing, few drivers are venturing into the Big Apple. So we can ­finally witness the beauty of car-free living, where psychotic cyclists can soar in every direction undeterred by the threat of automobiles or the annoyance of traffic lights.

Those pedestrian plazas are paying off in spades, too. Everyone who thought they were just an impediment to traffic and a gathering place for costumed perverts underestimated their potential as open-air shooting galleries for the city’s dragon chasers. Oh, you don’t like ­addicts skin-popping around your children? Check your privilege, elitist scum.

We’re happy to be at the forefront of leftist ideology. We are the city that never sleeps — because we’re so damn woke. It’s certainly not because of the illegal fireworks going off at all hours. Shatavia Walls, the 33-year-old African-American woman who took the advice of Brooklyn Borough President Eric Adams and asked her neighbors to cease their pyrotechnics was clearly just a far-right trouble-maker. She was shot eight times. You should’ve minded your business, Karen.

Yes, black lives matter, but not as much as the boutique causes of gentry liberals. In a truly free society, setting off explosives in playgrounds is the right of every American. The rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, give proof through the night that the cops are not there.

Who needs police? The New York Police Department is just a bunch of fascist bullyboys. It’s perfectly fair to condemn all of them when one cop does wrong. And so what if the NYPD is a majority-minority force? That only proves our system is so ­insidious, it can turn African-American, Asian and Hispanic people into literal Klansmen.

We have our own force of ­heroes to protect and serve our interests: the noble, brave and mostly peaceful protesters — all of whom, by the way, are blessedly and completely immune to the novel coronavirus (it’s an epidemiological miracle!).

And if you dare question them, their peacefulness might just intensify. So don’t.

What of the fact that they’ve selfishly usurped a movement focused on specific injustices and that their violent and vandalistic methods have turned many moderates against their cause? That’s just propaganda spread by President Trump’s deplorable minions.

Some say they’re just spoiled, white millennials who have never known a day without democracy, lashing out at a system they’ve been brainwashed to ­oppose while moronically incriminating themselves by live-streaming their offenses on pricey iPhones, whose proceeds ironically foot the bill for the enslavement of China’s minorities. And that all may be true — but if you can think of another way to scare people into imposing unwanted policies, I’m all ears.

And yes, we all know that using violence and intimidation for political change is literally the definition of terrorism, blah, blah, blah, but please, save your sass for the Sasquatch. The ends justify the means, and the definition of terrorism can easily be changed so that it only applies to the people we don’t like, just like we did with racism: Louis Farrakhan, you see, isn’t a racist. Because we said so, that’s why.

If you don’t like it, leave — and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. This ain’t Topeka, this is New York City. Progressive New York City. Where politically convenient crimes go unpunished and where we’re so open-minded, a MAGA hat is a 100 percent reliable form of birth control.

You got a problem? The black-clad ninja with the brick and the Molotov will sort you out.

Gary Taustine is a writer in New York.

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