Sarah Herron is getting real about going through postpartum changes after losing a child.

As we previously reported, The Bachelor alum and her fiancé Dylan Brown revealed the heartbreaking news just days ago that their son, Oliver Brown, died on January 28, shortly after she gave birth at 24 weeks pregnant. Sarah wrote in a post on Instagram Wednesday:

“He passed away in his dad’s arms shortly after. There are no words for the magnitude of loss and pain we’re experiencing. It’s beautiful and simultaneously tragic. He had my nose and his dad’s mouth and long fingers.”

Related: Comedian Rickey Smiley Shares Tear-Filled Video After His Son Brandon’s Death

After returning home from the hospital, the 36-year-old reality star shared an update with her followers about how hard it’s been for her to experience postpartum symptoms after the death of her son. Along with a picture of herself in an adult diaper, she expressed on Instagram Saturday:

“Postpartum after pregnancy loss is still postpartum. I hadn’t gotten to the chapters on perinatal care yet, or lactation support. I jumped from second trimester to fourth trimester overnight.”

Sarah then detailed all the things she did not know would happen, including that her “milk was going to come in” or she’d need to learn how to pump:

“But suddenly my days that should be spent sampling belly oils and rubbing my bump are spent taking a crash course in postpartum relief through streaming tears. I don’t want relief, I want my baby.”

Just soul-crushing. The Bachelor in Paradise personality said everything “has been a haunting reminder of what was supposed to be” and what she “must face without him here,” explaining:

“There is simply no way to prepare yourself for the subtle inconveniences of pregnancy that can suddenly without warning, vanish. Like suddenly being able to zip your winter coat, or reach down to tie your shoes again. Or the way the elastic band on your sweats suddenly fits ON your waist – not below it. Or the way you accidentally roll onto your belly in the middle of the night. And worst of all, catching your new reflection each day and no longer seeing a bump.”

She continued:

“The things that were ‘off limits’ during pregnancy are suddenly allowed again and it feels jarringly wrong. Even considering a turkey sandwich or a glass of wine (things I longed for during pregnancy) feels like deep abandonment of my baby. And the things I loved during pregnancy; like berries (so many berries!) feels like cheating.”

Sarah concluded her emotional post by saying she “never prepared for this, and no mother should have to.” She then added:

“I understand why no doctor or book briefs you on the possibility of this torture & I don’t have a positive way to wrap this post up. It’s probably the second to saddest thing I’ve ever shared.”

We cannot imagine how much pain Sarah must be in right now. Our hearts just absolutely break for her and Dylan. You can read her entire message (below):

Sending love and light to Sarah during this difficult time.

[Image via Sarah Herron/Instagram]